ITSM Adventures – Stamford, UK, Belfast and Matchett

After my wonderful time in Australia at the itSMF event (sorry I didn’t write a blog, Ivor was too busy and I couldn’t remember much because I spent a lot of time between a lady called Simones’ breasts)…

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I packed my Pengi suitcase and headed on over to Chris Matchett’s house.  I had high expectations, I had heard he liked Japanese food so Sushi was bound to be on the menu.  Needless to say I was very excited.

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Bathtime

After my multiple trips to Las Vegas, my adventures in Sweden, tour of Australia and getting down and dirty with Andrea Kis in London, it would appear that I was a stinky penguin. I must admit I was looking forward to the high velocity Jacuzzi on offer at Chris Matchett’s house, I had my slippers and robe all ready and was even thinking there might be an opportunity for a little Pengi massage (I do love a good massage oil) but clearly human jacuzzi’s are not the same as Penguin jacuzzi’s. That’s putting it nicely. I’m not certain that I enjoyed it that much. It was nice to have clean feathers again but I was dizzy for a couple of days afterwards. I smelled of clean clothes too for some reason.

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Remarkably ITSM seems to make more sense when one is dizzy.

The Small Human

Chris has a small human who is very cute.

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She liked to give me lots of hugs and look for me when I got lost (I do tend to wander off…). She’s still very young and learning about the world but she spoke more sense about ITSM than a lot of people I’ve met.  In fact I nominate her for a starring role in the AXELOS venture.

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As an added bonus, she’s too little to eat cake so I was glad to help out with that. Every family needs a penguin.

Stamford

Time to return to the USA (maybe I should get a green card?) to Stamford, Connecticut which is by the sea and therefore has access to lots of tasty fish.

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I think this trip was supposed to be a training week for new Gartner analysts, but they didn’t teach me anything that I didn’t already know.

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Everybody there seemed very clever but nobody knew some these obvious truths about the industry:

  • Fish has two unique properties on the Hype Cycle:
  1. Fish has skipped the Trough of Disillusionment
  2. While existing on the Plateau of Productivity, fish is also riding high at the Peak of Expectation
  • The Magic Quadrant for Fish has almost all types of fish in the Leaders section with Fugu (Puffer Fish) as a Challenger (it’s tricky to eat safely) and the lead singer from Marilion as a Niche Player.
  • On the Market Clock fish is best found at 5 o’clock. If you wait until 6am all the fresh stuff will be gone

I tried to educate the group as best I could over dinner, but I can’t promise they listened.

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Of all people I would have thought Mr Greene would have known this stuff.

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I can’t really say anything else about the training.  I was threatened with Polar Bears if I ever spoke about their analyst secrets. I don’t like polar bears so I am going to keep the gossip to myself.  Unless you have fish to share… then maybe I could tell you a few things over a cod or two (provided you keep your mouth zipped and also act as a human shield against the Polar Bears).

Oh and I should wave my flipper at Jenny and Jennifer who made me feel very welcome and gave me much more attention than that boring Chris did.

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Oh I almost forgot, I caught up with fat cousin Bob on this trip! It was good to see him, although I didn’t hang around for too long for fear of being eaten.

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Belfast

Belfast is near the sea. The sea has fish in it.

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Seriously, what more do you want me to say about Belfast? Except Matchett has his own music shop there?

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ITAM

There was a fancy Gartner event in London that I attend with Chris – the Gartner ITAM Summit (I think it stands for Investigating Turbot and Mackerel) I saw lots of humans talking about boring IT stuff. It would appear that it’s not just ITSM that humans don’t understand, it appears they don’t get ITAM either. One of these days I’ll sit everyone down and tell them what it is really about… In fact I was going to do just this when some BMC bloke (I believe his name was Jon Hall) interrupted me (I was warned about this particular vendor from that ServiceNow bunch but that’s another story).

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Things spiced up a bit when some dude called Martin Thomson tried to eat me. I’m still not sure why.  He was a strange man.

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I’m sure the analysts and events team worked really hard behind the scenes, but I’d say the real credit must go to the hotel staff keeping us (me) fed on salmon bagels.

I met some former apprentices that used to belong to Chris. They didn’t try to eat me so that was a step in the right direction.

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AXELOS (just for a change…)

For my final trip with Chris I got to meet my other friend called Chris from AXELOS. He was explaining to the BCS Service Management Specialist Group about the changes coming now that they own ITIL (but he seems to have trouble remembering what we agreed last time). Luckily I was on-hand to flap up to the top table and put everyone straight.

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There still seems to be no penguin mascots in their plans for world domination, which lets face it is a major mistake.  Everybody knows that you need at least one cute penguin to do the marketing and distract attention whilst the humans run in, change all the ITIL exams and create ITIL version 23972496.

Food

If there are two things that I learnt about Chris Matchett during my stay with him, it would be 1) he is very anal (or was that that he liked… wait no… I was right the first time), and 2) he should really weigh 25 stone because that guy likes his food! Had I stayed any longer I would probably have needed to borrow Cousin Bob’s clothes (if penguins wore clothes).

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Where next?

Well, now I am on my way to a place called Israel to see my friend Joe the IT Guy from SysAid.  I hear they drink vodka in the office on Thursdays so this penguin could be getting well and truly S.M.A.S.H.E.D.  It should be good fun, I haven’t been drunk since the last time Patrick Bolger breathed on me.

I hope those guys at SysAid have a fish platter ready for me… this travelling lark makes me a very hungry penguin.

And finally

Thank-you for looking after me Mr Matchett. I had a lovely time. So long (until next time) and thanks for all the fish!

The AXELOS “Future of ITIL” workshops – a birdseye view

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Mrs Stuart still loves me ❤

Emma Maccormick needed help choosing fish at dinner

Emma Maccormick needed help choosing fish at dinner

I miss Mrs Stuart. That aside it was great to see him again last week, along with some other rather strange-looking humans, as Ivor MacFarlane chauffeured me to an AXELOS “Future of ITIL” workshop in London. That’s a lot of complicated words in a row – Penglish is so much easier to understand than English. Especially American English, and don’t start me on Australian English but at least they’re in the right hemisphere.

If you want to see what the workshop was about then I suggest you read these:

However, if you want the real gossip on the future of ITIL, then you’ve come to the right penguin. But keep this between just the two of us – I think it was Julius Caesar that said “Loose lips sink ships” – well it was some human male in the distant past.

So what happened at the Future of ITIL workshop?

First of all, there wasn’t enough fish for even a smallish penguin. Thankfully Ivor is now igloo-trained and he carries emergency fish supplies for me at all times. There was a lot of human talk about IT and customers. Much of it was stuff that us penguins have known about and used for years.

It was very warm too. I have to admit that the weather and all the hot air induced a number of Pengi-powernaps but I did capture the following notes on my Pengi-pad – at least I think it’s what was said:

  • ITIL either needed to be sold or shipped off to Australia. It seems the UK government has historically done this sort of thing.
  • According to Ivor, ITIL v5 will be ready for April 1 2014. Mrs Stuart will be writing it in addition to his day and night jobs – thank heavens he can touch-type. The IT Skeptic will proof-read it. I can’t remember who was coloring in the pictures. I know Patrick Bolger volunteered but the group was unsure he could color-in within the lines.
  • ITIL v5 will be 5 pages long. This sets a precedent – ITIL v6 will be six pages, v7 seven pages, etc. Some argued that this was still too long but it was the compromise.
  • I know James Finister wanted more trains in ITIL v5 but I think he lost that one by a slim margin. I know the IT Skeptic and many others will be disappointed.
  • The ITIL brand will be phased out over time. It will be replaced by FISH which stands for “Framework of IT Service Helpfulness.” I feel better about ITIL already.
  • ITIL books and exams will be available in 1001 languages including Esperanto. This will be administered by the minions from that Despicable Me documentary.
  • Paul Wilkinson will head up ITIL training – importantly he has reserved the right to point out where he has gone wrong if needed.
  • Somebody mentioned that Quantified Elf again and AXELOS agreed to survey the Elf community.
  • There was consensus around the need for greater social activity. Patrick was halfway into arranging a global pub-crawl when the group pointed out that this was the use of social media and communities not a Friday-night social.
  • There was talk of paying to name the new royal baby “ITIL.” The only thing that stopped this was the impending ITIL rebranding exercise. Maybe baby number two can be called FISH?
  • I think Mrs Stuart also let slip that his employer might be merging with ServiceNow to form an imaginatively-titled “ServiceHPNow.” Not overly certain on this one though – Mrs Stuart said a lot of stuff. That idiot-of-an-ex-analyst, who is now being entertained by ServiceNow, declined to comment – they probably don’t dare tell him anything anyway.

Who did I meet?

Well, I’ve included photos of all the people I helped during the workshop. It’s tough being me, I’m only little.

Peter Hepworth agreed that ITIL needs more penguins

Peter Hepworth agreed that ITIL needs more penguins

Entering Las Vegas - do they speak Penglish here?

Phil Hearsum is like a big polar bear – I was a little scared until I saw he was a big softie really

Entering Las Vegas - do they speak Penglish here?

Colin Rudd playing it all Pacino

Entering Las Vegas - do they speak Penglish here?

Frances Scarf seems to be blowing a kiss at Mrs Stuart

Entering Las Vegas - do they speak Penglish here?

Claire Agutter is soooo nice she should really be a penguin

Entering Las Vegas - do they speak Penglish here?

I think Patrick Bolger wants more kids

Entering Las Vegas - do they speak Penglish here?

Jayne Groll is proud to be affiliated with penguins

Entering Las Vegas - do they speak Penglish here?

Chris Barrett confused me for his mobile – a quick peck to the ear sorted this

Entering Las Vegas - do they speak Penglish here?

Anthony Orr doesn’t see many penguins in Houston

Finally it was nice to see so many ladies at the work shop but AXELOS definitely needs to up its Penguin quota. More fish would definitely help with this.

Remember – this is just between you and me. I’d hate for every Tom, Dick, and Puffin to know what we concluded last week. Oh and I did have some funny dreams as I powernapped …

If you have an opinion as to the future of ITIL, please email AXELOS. You can also follow what is really happening by looking for their communications on Twitter or Google+